Let's go to Paris!

"'Let's go to Paris!' you said. 'It'll be fun and educational!' you said. 'Nothing could possibly go wrong!' you said. 'The Parisan Catacombs Midnight Tours are totally safe!' you said. Yet, for all your annoying optimism, here we are, lost in the Catacombs, surrounded by zombies who are apparently retarded, with no food for either of us. What part of this was a good idea again?"

Jay sighed and gave K an unhappy look. They'd been wandering around the Catacombs for hours trying to find some rhyme or reason to the place as well as a way out. Not only that, but they'd been pushing zombies out of the way for hours. The zombies weren't the eating people kind of zombies, but seemed all to be merely wandering around aimlessly, which meant constantly in the way in K's eyes.

Paris, despite K's grumbling, had actually started out as a good choice for a holiday. The flight was startlingly easy to get onto and off of. The hotel was easy to find and had excellent service. The food made even K sigh happily, and Jay had found easy and safe meals quickly since landing. Up until taking the tour of the Catacombs, everything had been going well.

When Jay had noticed that a door that should have been locked was actually slightly ajar, he had dragged K off saying that it would be fun to poke around in the area the tours left out. K had protested, but swiftly gave in to Jay's curiosity. It was only ten minutes before the trouble started.

"So, I don't know if you've noticed this," K started with his 'not amused' voice. Jay grimaced.

"Noticed what?" Jay replied sweetly.

"We're stuck in an illusory trap," K replied with an exasperated sigh.

"What makes you say that?" Jay asked, frowning. Everything smelled normal and looked normal.

"Well, you see that door we passed back there?" K pointed behind them.

"Yeah, it's.... What the?" Jay's jaw dropped.

"Yes, lo and behold that there is no passageway behind us," K rolled his eyes. Jay ran back to where the passageway was and found nothing but solid rock.

"What the hell?" Jay asked.

"Like I said, we're in an illusion trap," K replied. "And an annoying one at that, since if I use magic while we're in the trap, it's guaranteed to have odd side effects."

"Why the odd side effects?" Jay asked.

"Simple. Whoever set up this trap was trying to be annoying, not so much dangerous. As such, he's set up some curses that are designed to have spells behave rather randomly," K scratched at his head annoyedly.

"So if we tried to poof on out of here?" Jay suggested.

"We'd probably either end up deeper in the catacombs with party hats on our heads or gravity would switch and we'd have to start walking around on the ceilings," K replied with a sigh.

"I guess we'd better start trying to just find our way out then," Jay offered. K shook his head. "No? Why not?"

"Like I said, this spell is annoying. It'll probably have normal signs and when we turn a corner like this one we..." K looked forward.

"What?" Jay demanded and turned the corner to see what K was staring at. Attached to the celing of the tunnel they were in was a large neon sign with several arrows pointing in different direction with the word "EXIT" flashing red.

"See what I mean?" K glanced at Jay who sighed.

"Wait, what if I tried to walk the shadows?" Jay asked, starting to step into the shadow realm without waiting for K's reply.

"No, don't-" K's unheard reply came too late. Suddenly, rather than the dark, dank, and somewhat ominous Catacombs, Jay and K stood in the brightly lit, cheerfully decorated Catacombs, with beautiful flowers everywhere and tasteful window treatmens adorning every grave. There were even small shadow acrobats performing on the walls now.

"Oh... oops," Jay grinned sheepishly at his friend who dropped his head into his hands.

"Let's just keep going," K eventually said. "That stupid sign might actually be pointing us in the right direction."

"It points in like six directions," Jay pointed out helpfully.

"Shut up," K replied and the two friends walked off in one of the many exit directions in silence.

After a few minutes, the brightly lit section of the Catacombs led into normal tunnels again, and when looking back, Jay could find no sign of the lighted section ever having existed. The tunnels, back to their dank and dark status, twisted and turned without apparant reason. Occasionally a sign would be visible and lit, but it never seemed to indicate an exit.

"Hey," Jay spoke after what seemed like a long time.

"What?" K asked.

"Why don't we ask for directions?" Jay suggested.

"And who do you propose we..." K's sarcastic reply trailed off as he noticed Jay eye a corpse meaningfully.

"You know... That's not half bad..." K admitted. "I don't think this curse is triggered by necromancy. It's worth a shot."

"Ha! Score one for Jay!" Jay grinned and marked one point in the air.

"Yeah, we'll see about that," K replied, much less optimistically. After concentrating for a moment, the corpse shuddered, then sat up to regard K and Jay.

"Bonjour," said the corpse.

"Yeah, hi," K replied brusquely. "Do you know the way out of here?"

"Excusez-moi?" the corpse replied. K stared at the reanimated body.

"You don't speak English do you?" K groaned.

"Vous ne parlez pas français?" the corpse replied.

"Dammit, don't you speak French?" K demanded of Jay.

"What? No. I never learned French," Jay replied defensively.

"But you know like every other language we come across," K pointed out as if that would help.

"I'm multi-lingual, yes, but I still don't know French," Jay grumbled.

"J'ai besoin d'une cigarette," the corpse commented helpfully.

"Wait, don't you know some magical spell that lets you understand any spoken language?" Jay reminded K helpfully.

"Given how well magic has worked so far, how well do you think that spell would work?" K gave Jay a baleful look. "For all we know I'd cast that, and then I'd only hear Portugese for the rest of the night."

"Oh," Jay said. "Good point."

"Excusez-moi, je dois aller," the corpse said suddenly. It stood up and began to walk away.

"Oh, that can't be good," Jay groaned. K just sighed the sigh of someone who expected things to get worse.

As soon as the first corpse wandered off, more began to stand up and begin to walk around. Try as they might, neither Jay nor K could find a single zombie that spoke English, or any other language that either man was familiar with. Within minutes, there were hundreds of zombies walking around.

"Ok, no more magic, we're just looking for a way out of here," K commanded. "We're bound to find our way out soon, and these zombies will probably wear off just like that light spell."

Many hours of pushing zombies out of the way later, to which the zombies invariably replied with "excusez-moi", Jay and K were at their wit's end. And K began to complain more vocally to Jay.

"Come on, can't you keep a vaguely positive attitude about this?" Jay looked at K reproachfully.

"A positive attitude about wandering around in freaking catacombs filled with zombies where your abilities and my magic count for nothing with no idea where we're going, how we're going to get out, or how we'll get food? You want me to have a positive attitude about that?" K glowered at his friend.

"Well... When you put it that way," Jay grimaced.

"For fuck's sake," K groaned before yelling, "LET US OUT OF HERE!"

With K's yell still echoing through the tunnels, both friends turned a corner and stopped in awe.

"Am I dreaming, or is that the entrance we used to get in here?" Jay asked of K. With a single glance behind them, both men noticed that the zombies were nowhere to be seen

"You ain't dreaming," K said excitedly. "Let's blow this popsicle stand." The two ran to the unlocked door and walked through.

"Please stay with the tour group," their tour leader said to them, beckoning them to join him. After sharing a confused glance, the two rejoined their tour group as if no more than a minute of time had passed.

"The hell?" Jay asked quietly of K.

"Don't ask," K replied.

"But-" Jay protested.

"No," was K's only reply. "I never thought I'd ever say this, but all I want to do is to get out of here and go eat some snails."

"That's just weird."

Inhuman kindness

Jay had never seen such destruction and chaos as the earthquake he had just survived wrought. The young vampire was probably in shock from the horrors around him. As luck would have it he was also stuck. The building he had been in had collapsed completely during the earthquake just as the sun was rising. Jay now huddled under a collapsed wall that gave him full view of the street beyond. He had considered escaping into the shadows, but one glance found the realm of the shadows to be just as dangerous and chaotic as the real world. Jay opted to simply continue to hide under the collapsed wall and wait until sundown.

Though many people ran through the streets looking for loved ones, many more less noble people moved about, looting what they could, stealing from the dead. Jay's lip curled but he kept to his hiding place. Few people were looking under his wall anyway, so he kept his disgust to himself and merely watched while waiting for dark. Hours passed and eventually the sun hovered high in the sky. Jay had to squint to see anything.

There were a few aftershocks here and there, nothing quite as frightening or dangerous as the first earthquake. There were some scary noises that Jay couldn't identify, but he assumed they were animals either dying or escaping from humans somehow. Only one noise filled Jay with a sense of dread: the scream of a young woman.

Jay crawled as close as he dared to the deadly sunlight and looked up the street in horror as a young woman scrambled desperately away from three men with dark grins on their faces. It was clear what they had in mind; it was also clear that the woman could not get away. She tried to scramble up onto a fallen wall, but it crumbled and she fell ten feet to the ground. She curled in pain, but still tried to back away, to try to find somewhere to hide. The wall that she had tried to seek refuge on now became her prison. The woman had nowhere else to go.

Jay shook with rage as he watched the three men close of any avenue of escape and close in on the woman. She screamed for help, but could not escape. There was nowhere for her to go. Then, as Jay watched in horror, more men appeared, some armed with knives and clubs, all apparently interested in the same thing. Jay closed his eyes and clenched his fists. Unable to do anything, Jay cursed his vampiric status and tried desperately to block the coming sounds from his ears. What he heard shocked him and he couldn't help but look up.

Standing between the mob of men, two of whom had been knocked down, and the young woman was a man of average height who was rather on the thin side. He had shoulder length blond hair, a rarity here, and was dressed only in soft leathers. Jay's sharp eyes and nose quickly identified that this man was actually an elf. As Jay's eyes widened, the elf calmly dusted off his shirt and simply stood between the men and their prize. The woman cowered behind the elf, too shocked and frightened to realize that the newcomer was here to help her.

Shouting something in a language Jay did not know, one of the largest men charged at the slight elf. The elf stopped the man with a casually placed kick, then struck the man perhaps three times. The big man crumbled and tried to crawl away from the elf. After some exchanged words, the group of men sent forth the men armed with clubs to deal with interloper.

Jay cringed, but watched in amazement as the elf fought. At first he ducked, and dodged, never giving ground while still never letting the clubs hit him. After one of the men tried to move behind the elf, he snatched away that man's club, accepting a strike to his shoulder, and struck the man whose club he had stolen hard enough to knock the man out cold. Now similarly armed, the elf swung back and forth, almost delicately knocking the other men's weapons out of their hands.

Suddenly the elf twitched left and stuck out his club catching the thrown dagger that was aimed for him. As he pulled the knife out of the club the now three men fighting him stepped back nervously. The elf glanced at the knife, maintaining his casual expression, then threw it over his shoulder far into the rubble. The amorous group backed away again to talk.

Jay inspected the sun and found that it had hardly moved. The fight, which had seemed to take forever, had hardly taken minutes. Jay growled in frustration and looked at the elf who, still without changing expression, stood calmly facing the men in front of him. The elf glanced at Jay for a moment, blinked once, then looked away without other response. Jay frowned, but could think of nothing else to do but wait and hope for the best.

The men with the dark intent came to a consensus somewhat later, and each man armed with a knife advanced on the elf. Still armed with his club, the elf took two steps forward before stopping again. Jay guessed that he was giving himself more room to battle these better armed men. The men with the knives advanced slowly, while the men behind them spread out both to trap the elf as well as to collect rocks.

The men with the knives advanced just outside of the elf's reach and began to slash towards the elf. When the elf didn't respond, the moved in closer, trying to cut the elf. Now the he faded and moved avoiding the knives relatively easily. Jay marveled at the creatures speed just long enough to forget about the other men. When the men with knives suddenly backed off, a barrage of thrown rocks was launched at the elf, who mostly dodged the attacks while knocking a couple of the rocks aside with his club. Only one rock hit the elf in the arm, but the elf grimaced when he was struck. Still, he caught that rock before it hit the ground and tossed it aside as well.

The group shared a dark laugh as the men with the knives once again moved towards the elf. A few rocks flew, and though the elf avoided or deflected them with his club, he was hard pressed to avoid all the rocks and knife attacks and came away from that skirmish with a knife wound to the arm holding the club. When Jay saw the wound, he pounded the ground in frustration growling dangerously loudly.

When the men backed off to plan another attack, the elf looked at Jay a second time with an appraising expression. He glanced at the woman behind him and then back at Jay with a question in his eyes.

"Yes, I want to help her," Jay growled. The elf blinked at Jay, looked skyward for a moment, then returned his attention to the small mob of men with evil intent. Jay blinked in confusion then rolled his eyes, muttering something disparraging about elves.

The men with the knives approached again, and this time the barrage of rocks did not come until the elf was very involved in the battle with the armed men. More rocks hit their mark, one glancing off the elf's forehead, though he looked no worse the wear. Two more knife wounds had joined the first, however, further angering Jay. He scrambled forward an inch or two more as the sky darkened. The men backed away, knowing that the wounds would take their toll on this dangerous opponent.

Then it hit Jay: the sky was darkening? Jay stuck his head out of his hiding place to find thick, rolling, black clouds blotting out the sun. It was slightly painful even with this cloud cover for Jay to step out from cover, but he endured that pain.

When Jay attacked the group of men from behind, they didn't know he was coming. Initially Jay was so fast in knocking out his opponents and pulling them away, that the other men did not notice his arrival. When they did notice him, Jay did not hold back from his savage attacks. Jay knew that he could not reveal that he was a vampire, and had to hold back his true strength, but Jay fought like a berserker, relying on anger and savagery to frighten his opponents.

Though the mob quickly turned it's focus to Jay, the young vampire had already broken legs, arms, and jaws as he tore through the crowd of men as quickly as he dared. The instant the men were distracted, the elf exploded into action attacking the men with a grim resolve, though he never tarried far from the young woman's side. Jay was struck several times, even hit by clubs, but never did he slow his attack. He fought his way to the elf, then stood shoulder to shoulder with the elf facing the much smaller group of men.

In the face of two deadly opponents, the mob quickly dispersed. Most men simply fled, though a few stayed to help the injured escape. In five minutes time, the only ones who remained were Jay, the elf, and the woman. Jay sat down heavily, breathing a sigh of relief. The elf calmly pulled bandages out of a pouch and began to calmly bind his wounds.

Jay looked up at the elf as he worked, but said nothing. He glanced at the woman, who was still huddled in fear, then back at the elf. The elf almost smiled at Jay before looking meaningfully up at the sky. The black clouds were beginning to thin out. Jay gave the elf a disparraging look before returning to his previous hiding place.

As the sun broke through the clouds, the elf walked over to the young woman and crouched beside her. When she did not reply, the elf gently touched her arm for a moment. After a long pause, the woman dared to peek over her crossed arms. The elf cocked his head to the side slightly, but did nothing else and said nothing. It took almost a minute, but eventually the woman slowly pulled her arms down and seemed to realize that she was safe. She brushed away her tears and looked away from the elf, embarrassed.

The elf stood, drawing the woman's eyes. He smiled and offered her his hand. The woman tentatively took his hand and, with his help, rose to her feet. Other than smile, the elf did nothing. Eventually the woman smiled back, and slowly led her protector away.

Jay smiled as they left, but had a momentary thought, wondering if it would always be like this, the vampire saving the day and the other guy getting the girl. Jay laughed and dismissed that despressing thought. Of course he'd get the girl someday!