Let's go to Paris!
"'Let's go to Paris!' you said. 'It'll be fun and educational!' you said. 'Nothing could possibly go wrong!' you said. 'The Parisan Catacombs Midnight Tours are totally safe!' you said. Yet, for all your annoying optimism, here we are, lost in the Catacombs, surrounded by zombies who are apparently retarded, with no food for either of us. What part of this was a good idea again?"
Jay sighed and gave K an unhappy look. They'd been wandering around the Catacombs for hours trying to find some rhyme or reason to the place as well as a way out. Not only that, but they'd been pushing zombies out of the way for hours. The zombies weren't the eating people kind of zombies, but seemed all to be merely wandering around aimlessly, which meant constantly in the way in K's eyes.
Paris, despite K's grumbling, had actually started out as a good choice for a holiday. The flight was startlingly easy to get onto and off of. The hotel was easy to find and had excellent service. The food made even K sigh happily, and Jay had found easy and safe meals quickly since landing. Up until taking the tour of the Catacombs, everything had been going well.
When Jay had noticed that a door that should have been locked was actually slightly ajar, he had dragged K off saying that it would be fun to poke around in the area the tours left out. K had protested, but swiftly gave in to Jay's curiosity. It was only ten minutes before the trouble started.
"So, I don't know if you've noticed this," K started with his 'not amused' voice. Jay grimaced.
"Noticed what?" Jay replied sweetly.
"We're stuck in an illusory trap," K replied with an exasperated sigh.
"What makes you say that?" Jay asked, frowning. Everything smelled normal and looked normal.
"Well, you see that door we passed back there?" K pointed behind them.
"Yeah, it's.... What the?" Jay's jaw dropped.
"Yes, lo and behold that there is no passageway behind us," K rolled his eyes. Jay ran back to where the passageway was and found nothing but solid rock.
"What the hell?" Jay asked.
"Like I said, we're in an illusion trap," K replied. "And an annoying one at that, since if I use magic while we're in the trap, it's guaranteed to have odd side effects."
"Why the odd side effects?" Jay asked.
"Simple. Whoever set up this trap was trying to be annoying, not so much dangerous. As such, he's set up some curses that are designed to have spells behave rather randomly," K scratched at his head annoyedly.
"So if we tried to poof on out of here?" Jay suggested.
"We'd probably either end up deeper in the catacombs with party hats on our heads or gravity would switch and we'd have to start walking around on the ceilings," K replied with a sigh.
"I guess we'd better start trying to just find our way out then," Jay offered. K shook his head. "No? Why not?"
"Like I said, this spell is annoying. It'll probably have normal signs and when we turn a corner like this one we..." K looked forward.
"What?" Jay demanded and turned the corner to see what K was staring at. Attached to the celing of the tunnel they were in was a large neon sign with several arrows pointing in different direction with the word "EXIT" flashing red.
"See what I mean?" K glanced at Jay who sighed.
"Wait, what if I tried to walk the shadows?" Jay asked, starting to step into the shadow realm without waiting for K's reply.
"No, don't-" K's unheard reply came too late. Suddenly, rather than the dark, dank, and somewhat ominous Catacombs, Jay and K stood in the brightly lit, cheerfully decorated Catacombs, with beautiful flowers everywhere and tasteful window treatmens adorning every grave. There were even small shadow acrobats performing on the walls now.
"Oh... oops," Jay grinned sheepishly at his friend who dropped his head into his hands.
"Let's just keep going," K eventually said. "That stupid sign might actually be pointing us in the right direction."
"It points in like six directions," Jay pointed out helpfully.
"Shut up," K replied and the two friends walked off in one of the many exit directions in silence.
After a few minutes, the brightly lit section of the Catacombs led into normal tunnels again, and when looking back, Jay could find no sign of the lighted section ever having existed. The tunnels, back to their dank and dark status, twisted and turned without apparant reason. Occasionally a sign would be visible and lit, but it never seemed to indicate an exit.
"Hey," Jay spoke after what seemed like a long time.
"What?" K asked.
"Why don't we ask for directions?" Jay suggested.
"And who do you propose we..." K's sarcastic reply trailed off as he noticed Jay eye a corpse meaningfully.
"You know... That's not half bad..." K admitted. "I don't think this curse is triggered by necromancy. It's worth a shot."
"Ha! Score one for Jay!" Jay grinned and marked one point in the air.
"Yeah, we'll see about that," K replied, much less optimistically. After concentrating for a moment, the corpse shuddered, then sat up to regard K and Jay.
"Bonjour," said the corpse.
"Yeah, hi," K replied brusquely. "Do you know the way out of here?"
"Excusez-moi?" the corpse replied. K stared at the reanimated body.
"You don't speak English do you?" K groaned.
"Vous ne parlez pas français?" the corpse replied.
"Dammit, don't you speak French?" K demanded of Jay.
"What? No. I never learned French," Jay replied defensively.
"But you know like every other language we come across," K pointed out as if that would help.
"I'm multi-lingual, yes, but I still don't know French," Jay grumbled.
"J'ai besoin d'une cigarette," the corpse commented helpfully.
"Wait, don't you know some magical spell that lets you understand any spoken language?" Jay reminded K helpfully.
"Given how well magic has worked so far, how well do you think that spell would work?" K gave Jay a baleful look. "For all we know I'd cast that, and then I'd only hear Portugese for the rest of the night."
"Oh," Jay said. "Good point."
"Excusez-moi, je dois aller," the corpse said suddenly. It stood up and began to walk away.
"Oh, that can't be good," Jay groaned. K just sighed the sigh of someone who expected things to get worse.
As soon as the first corpse wandered off, more began to stand up and begin to walk around. Try as they might, neither Jay nor K could find a single zombie that spoke English, or any other language that either man was familiar with. Within minutes, there were hundreds of zombies walking around.
"Ok, no more magic, we're just looking for a way out of here," K commanded. "We're bound to find our way out soon, and these zombies will probably wear off just like that light spell."
Many hours of pushing zombies out of the way later, to which the zombies invariably replied with "excusez-moi", Jay and K were at their wit's end. And K began to complain more vocally to Jay.
"Come on, can't you keep a vaguely positive attitude about this?" Jay looked at K reproachfully.
"A positive attitude about wandering around in freaking catacombs filled with zombies where your abilities and my magic count for nothing with no idea where we're going, how we're going to get out, or how we'll get food? You want me to have a positive attitude about that?" K glowered at his friend.
"Well... When you put it that way," Jay grimaced.
"For fuck's sake," K groaned before yelling, "LET US OUT OF HERE!"
With K's yell still echoing through the tunnels, both friends turned a corner and stopped in awe.
"Am I dreaming, or is that the entrance we used to get in here?" Jay asked of K. With a single glance behind them, both men noticed that the zombies were nowhere to be seen
"You ain't dreaming," K said excitedly. "Let's blow this popsicle stand." The two ran to the unlocked door and walked through.
"Please stay with the tour group," their tour leader said to them, beckoning them to join him. After sharing a confused glance, the two rejoined their tour group as if no more than a minute of time had passed.
"The hell?" Jay asked quietly of K.
"Don't ask," K replied.
"But-" Jay protested.
"No," was K's only reply. "I never thought I'd ever say this, but all I want to do is to get out of here and go eat some snails."
"That's just weird."
Jay sighed and gave K an unhappy look. They'd been wandering around the Catacombs for hours trying to find some rhyme or reason to the place as well as a way out. Not only that, but they'd been pushing zombies out of the way for hours. The zombies weren't the eating people kind of zombies, but seemed all to be merely wandering around aimlessly, which meant constantly in the way in K's eyes.
Paris, despite K's grumbling, had actually started out as a good choice for a holiday. The flight was startlingly easy to get onto and off of. The hotel was easy to find and had excellent service. The food made even K sigh happily, and Jay had found easy and safe meals quickly since landing. Up until taking the tour of the Catacombs, everything had been going well.
When Jay had noticed that a door that should have been locked was actually slightly ajar, he had dragged K off saying that it would be fun to poke around in the area the tours left out. K had protested, but swiftly gave in to Jay's curiosity. It was only ten minutes before the trouble started.
"So, I don't know if you've noticed this," K started with his 'not amused' voice. Jay grimaced.
"Noticed what?" Jay replied sweetly.
"We're stuck in an illusory trap," K replied with an exasperated sigh.
"What makes you say that?" Jay asked, frowning. Everything smelled normal and looked normal.
"Well, you see that door we passed back there?" K pointed behind them.
"Yeah, it's.... What the?" Jay's jaw dropped.
"Yes, lo and behold that there is no passageway behind us," K rolled his eyes. Jay ran back to where the passageway was and found nothing but solid rock.
"What the hell?" Jay asked.
"Like I said, we're in an illusion trap," K replied. "And an annoying one at that, since if I use magic while we're in the trap, it's guaranteed to have odd side effects."
"Why the odd side effects?" Jay asked.
"Simple. Whoever set up this trap was trying to be annoying, not so much dangerous. As such, he's set up some curses that are designed to have spells behave rather randomly," K scratched at his head annoyedly.
"So if we tried to poof on out of here?" Jay suggested.
"We'd probably either end up deeper in the catacombs with party hats on our heads or gravity would switch and we'd have to start walking around on the ceilings," K replied with a sigh.
"I guess we'd better start trying to just find our way out then," Jay offered. K shook his head. "No? Why not?"
"Like I said, this spell is annoying. It'll probably have normal signs and when we turn a corner like this one we..." K looked forward.
"What?" Jay demanded and turned the corner to see what K was staring at. Attached to the celing of the tunnel they were in was a large neon sign with several arrows pointing in different direction with the word "EXIT" flashing red.
"See what I mean?" K glanced at Jay who sighed.
"Wait, what if I tried to walk the shadows?" Jay asked, starting to step into the shadow realm without waiting for K's reply.
"No, don't-" K's unheard reply came too late. Suddenly, rather than the dark, dank, and somewhat ominous Catacombs, Jay and K stood in the brightly lit, cheerfully decorated Catacombs, with beautiful flowers everywhere and tasteful window treatmens adorning every grave. There were even small shadow acrobats performing on the walls now.
"Oh... oops," Jay grinned sheepishly at his friend who dropped his head into his hands.
"Let's just keep going," K eventually said. "That stupid sign might actually be pointing us in the right direction."
"It points in like six directions," Jay pointed out helpfully.
"Shut up," K replied and the two friends walked off in one of the many exit directions in silence.
After a few minutes, the brightly lit section of the Catacombs led into normal tunnels again, and when looking back, Jay could find no sign of the lighted section ever having existed. The tunnels, back to their dank and dark status, twisted and turned without apparant reason. Occasionally a sign would be visible and lit, but it never seemed to indicate an exit.
"Hey," Jay spoke after what seemed like a long time.
"What?" K asked.
"Why don't we ask for directions?" Jay suggested.
"And who do you propose we..." K's sarcastic reply trailed off as he noticed Jay eye a corpse meaningfully.
"You know... That's not half bad..." K admitted. "I don't think this curse is triggered by necromancy. It's worth a shot."
"Ha! Score one for Jay!" Jay grinned and marked one point in the air.
"Yeah, we'll see about that," K replied, much less optimistically. After concentrating for a moment, the corpse shuddered, then sat up to regard K and Jay.
"Bonjour," said the corpse.
"Yeah, hi," K replied brusquely. "Do you know the way out of here?"
"Excusez-moi?" the corpse replied. K stared at the reanimated body.
"You don't speak English do you?" K groaned.
"Vous ne parlez pas français?" the corpse replied.
"Dammit, don't you speak French?" K demanded of Jay.
"What? No. I never learned French," Jay replied defensively.
"But you know like every other language we come across," K pointed out as if that would help.
"I'm multi-lingual, yes, but I still don't know French," Jay grumbled.
"J'ai besoin d'une cigarette," the corpse commented helpfully.
"Wait, don't you know some magical spell that lets you understand any spoken language?" Jay reminded K helpfully.
"Given how well magic has worked so far, how well do you think that spell would work?" K gave Jay a baleful look. "For all we know I'd cast that, and then I'd only hear Portugese for the rest of the night."
"Oh," Jay said. "Good point."
"Excusez-moi, je dois aller," the corpse said suddenly. It stood up and began to walk away.
"Oh, that can't be good," Jay groaned. K just sighed the sigh of someone who expected things to get worse.
As soon as the first corpse wandered off, more began to stand up and begin to walk around. Try as they might, neither Jay nor K could find a single zombie that spoke English, or any other language that either man was familiar with. Within minutes, there were hundreds of zombies walking around.
"Ok, no more magic, we're just looking for a way out of here," K commanded. "We're bound to find our way out soon, and these zombies will probably wear off just like that light spell."
Many hours of pushing zombies out of the way later, to which the zombies invariably replied with "excusez-moi", Jay and K were at their wit's end. And K began to complain more vocally to Jay.
"Come on, can't you keep a vaguely positive attitude about this?" Jay looked at K reproachfully.
"A positive attitude about wandering around in freaking catacombs filled with zombies where your abilities and my magic count for nothing with no idea where we're going, how we're going to get out, or how we'll get food? You want me to have a positive attitude about that?" K glowered at his friend.
"Well... When you put it that way," Jay grimaced.
"For fuck's sake," K groaned before yelling, "LET US OUT OF HERE!"
With K's yell still echoing through the tunnels, both friends turned a corner and stopped in awe.
"Am I dreaming, or is that the entrance we used to get in here?" Jay asked of K. With a single glance behind them, both men noticed that the zombies were nowhere to be seen
"You ain't dreaming," K said excitedly. "Let's blow this popsicle stand." The two ran to the unlocked door and walked through.
"Please stay with the tour group," their tour leader said to them, beckoning them to join him. After sharing a confused glance, the two rejoined their tour group as if no more than a minute of time had passed.
"The hell?" Jay asked quietly of K.
"Don't ask," K replied.
"But-" Jay protested.
"No," was K's only reply. "I never thought I'd ever say this, but all I want to do is to get out of here and go eat some snails."
"That's just weird."
posted by Ethyachk at 11:20 AM
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